


Loki, Come Down

by Chaotic_frogs



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Avengers Tower, Childhood Memories, Gen, Heavy Angst, Hurt Loki (Marvel), Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Loki (Marvel) Feels, Loki (Marvel) Needs a Hug, Mention of the Avengers, Mentions of an afterlife, Mentions of religion, POV Loki (Marvel), Post-Avengers (2012), Songfic, achilles come down by gang of youths, loki reflects briefly on his childhood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 09:56:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29524671
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chaotic_frogs/pseuds/Chaotic_frogs
Summary: After the attack of New York, Loki is brought back by Thor to live in the Avengers Tower. Though, he slowly begins to realize he doesn't belong.Please proceed with caution when reading this as this is rather dark and may be triggering for some.
Comments: 4
Kudos: 47





	Loki, Come Down

_Achilles, Achilles, Achilles come down. Won’t you get up off the roof?_

After the invasion on New York City and the events that had happened in Asgard, Thor and Loki had returned to New York. Of course, once the brothers moved into the tower things were different. Everyone got along well with Thor as he was included and involved in every meal and activity hosted between missions. Loki, on the other hand, was not. He knew he wasn’t wanted as the room became quiet every time he walked in. It didn’t take a genius to know what was going on. Sure, he should have known everything he did all those years ago won’t go unforgiven overnight, but yet it was as if all of them, Thor included, held his mistakes over his head. 

Being the proud god he was, he refused to let how he felt show around anyone. He kept up the same facade, not letting anyone see how he truly was feeling. He slowly spent more time in his room, mostly reading any form of literature he could get his hands on. When he and Thor had first moved into the Thor he was forced to join particular missions and tasks Thor or even other members of the team were called upon to perform, but slowly he was let go and forgotten, for why would anyone trust the deceitful god. 

_You crazy assed cosmonaut, remember your virtue. Redemption lies plainly in truth_

The team had once again been called away on another mission, one that from what he had overheard, would last a while. Which only left him completely alone in the tower. That itself was a blessing and a curse. A blessing as he could roam and not being holed up in his room all day. But unfortunately, it also meant that Stark would most likely be watching the tower, through whatever means possible. 

The weeks the Avengers were gone, Loki spent most of his time reading or walking through the halls of the tower. Although he was free to leave the tower whenever he pleased, a part of him was scared to walk through the streets as himself, afraid of how the mere folks of New York would respond to seeing him. Of course, no one knew this. He was a god, and everyone on this planet was mere mortals, he could crush them with the bottom of his boot if he so desired. Yet, after everything he had gone through, specifically, everything that had occurred over the last several years, his confidence and self-esteem had slowly gone down the drain. He had begun to hate himself, if he were, to be honest, hate himself more than he had prior to being cast out of Asgard. More than he had when he tried to take over New York alongside the Chitauri Army. 

He truly realized now, more than he had ever noticed before, that he was a monster. He was much more than feared by the creatures that walked across Earth, he was hated by them as well. He was hated by the Avengers and he knew even his own brother hated him, even if Thor never said so. It was clear to Loki, he wasn’t a mere fool, he was a god. A god who is the master of lies, so of course, he can see through the false statements his brother made. He had heard from Thor himself that humans tended to be forgiven creatures, if given time, but that was clearly a lie as well. 

_The self is not so weightless nor whole and unbroken. Remember the pact of our youth._

Days turned into weeks as weeks turned into months and it eventually felt as if the god himself was simply going through the motions. He began to realize he was losing weight from not eating as much, only going to get food when he was positive everyone within the tower was fast asleep. Even then only taking a bit, no longer wanting to feel as if he was an inconvenience or more of a villain for wanting to eat. The time Loki had once spent reading was now spent either sleeping or standing on the balcony looking as everything else was moving, while he felt trapped. 

The confidence that once could be seen on the god was gone. His hair is more of a mess, tangled and greasier than it had ever been before. He wasn’t sure when he bathed last and at this point, he had no energy to do so. Any time he attempted to shower, he ended up stripping down completely and staring at his nude self in the mirror. He stood there criticizing every little thing about himself, everything that was wrong with him. Although he was a god, Loki knew that he wasn’t immortal and if he continued down this current path he was on he was bound to kill himself. And for the first time, he wasn’t afraid to die, if anything he wanted to die. He just wanted to rid the world of the monster he was, to ease the stress he put on his brother for existing, and to make the lives of the Avengers better. 

In many cultures across history, Loki knew that the act of suicide was considered an honorable act. In many religions, however, it was considered a selfish act and would not secure a person’s place in the afterlife. Loki being a god, was unsure what would come of him if he went through with his plan. Would he be allowed into some afterlife or if he would just be gone forever, a corpse lying within a grave who is not welcomed anywhere. Regardless, at this moment, what would be there for him, was not a concern for him at the moment. 

As he reflected on his life up to this point, his thoughts often brought him back to his childhood, before things turned sour. Back when his mother was still alive, back when he and Thor were close. Thinking back to that, brought a small sad smile to his face. He longed and missed the sibling rivalry and friendship he and Thor once had. He remembered all the times, Thor would tease him for reading, studying, and practicing magic whereas Thor led a completely different life. But at the end of the day, Thor was his brother and he always made sure to let Loki know before bed how proud of a brother he was and how one day, Loki would be a great King and leader. The smile that he had thinking about the past slowly turned into a frown as tears rolled down his cheeks. 

_It is empty Achilles, so end it all now. It’s a pointless resistance for you._

Originally he had planned not to write a note, but he felt that he owed his brother that much. So a few days before, Loki sat down on the balcony, and using the moonlight, he wrote out a goodbye. He had only meant it to be a few short paragraphs, no more than a page at least. Though, that slowly turned into pages of grief and self-hatred. He wrote pages of apologies and wishes to take back every mistake and foul sentence he had ever done or spoken into existence. His once neat writing became a mess as he neared the end of the note, the paper stained with his tears. Everything was becoming too real, and as much as the cocky and confident part of the god wanted to back down from this plan, he felt it was far too late. That he had to go through it, soon for that matter. 

The day arrived and like every other day, Loki spent most of the day sleeping. When he woke up, he forced himself out of his bed and took a shower for the first time in a long time. He made sure to scrub all the grime and filth that he could psychically wash off himself. He took the time to wash his hair, undoing all the tangles slowly, making sure his hair was back to the way it used to be. After he felt clean enough, he stepped out and dried himself off. As he brushed his teeth, he stared at himself, one last time in the mirror. He could see his ribs poking out, and how thin all of him had become. His skin was paler than it usually was and when he turned to close the door attached to the shower, he saw many strands of his hair covering the shower. 

The rest of the day after cleaning himself was spent sitting on the balcony enjoying the sun and fresh air as he read his favorite book, one last time. 

_You may feel no purpose nor a point for existing. It’s all just conjecture and gloom_

Loki finished the book several hours later, and night had fallen several hours prior. He had used the moonlight as a source of light to finish reading his book, as well as turning the light to his bedroom on. He walked back into his room and sat his book down on his dresser, as he pulled out an outfit. It was the same outfit he wore all that time ago, during the attack on New York. He slipped into it, fixing his hair as he wanted to look perfect. He grabbed the note he had written just nights prior and stuffed it into the pages of the book he was just reading. He grabbed the book and made his way to the bedroom door. As he went to open it, he glanced around his room, taking it all in one last time. He sighed as he opened the door and turned off the light to his room. 

He made his way to the stairwell, knowing it would be less likely that he would be stopped or caught by any of the Avengers. He slowly made his way up the several flights of stairs, in no rush, taking everything as he knew it would all be over soon. As he made it to the top of the building, he stopped and stared at the entrance to the roof. It was now or never, and he slowly began to have second thoughts. Was this really what he wanted? His hand was shaking as he grabbed the door handle, opening the door. He stepped onto the roof before stopping. He was frozen with fear, one of the few times he truly experienced fear. 

_And there may be no meaning, so find one and seize it. Do not waste your self on this roof._

Still frozen with fear, Loki got his feet to move again and slowly made his way to the edge of the roof. He wrapped his arms around his favorite book, clutching it tightly to his chest. He sat down on the ledge, his feet dangling off, watching as the city was still wide awake even in the middle of the night. Multiple thoughts ran through his head, a split in what he should do. Half of his thoughts were screaming at him to jump, trying to convince him even more that he was a monster who needed to die.

_Be real and just jump, you dense motherfucker_

While the other half calmly whispered for him to get off the roof, to reassure him that he wasn’t a monster. That if he just went and talked to Thor and Stark as well as the rest of the Avengers maybe things could change. 

_Don’t listen, Achilles. You’re worth more, Achilles._

Soon enough both thoughts were overlapping and he could no longer tell right from wrong. He was becoming frustrated just wanting an answer, just wanting to know what to do. He wasn’t sure if it was out of frustration or anger but before he could stop himself, he let out a scream. He just screamed and yelled at the universe, cursing it for all the pain and sorrow it had brought upon him and his life. Tears rolled down his cheeks, as he spilled out all the emotions he had bottled up inside for so long. Soon his voice became hoarse and all that came out was whimpers as the tears just kept coming. The dam within him had broken and everything was spilling out. 

_Clothe yourself in beauty untold and see life as a means to a triumph._

As Loki began to calm down, he realized he didn’t want to go through with this, at least not today. He slowly turned and moved his legs back onto the rooftop, clinging to the book even tighter than he had earlier. He made his way off the roof and snuck back to his room. He would live to see another day, maybe things would get better with time, and if not the rooftop would always be waiting for him. 

_How you will heal and you'll rise above. Crowned by an overture bold and beyond. Ah, it's more courageous to overcome_


End file.
